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| Plenty of time has passed since my last entry. I've had too many other things going on.
Today I had the urge to "abuse" some old prescription pills I have in my drawer. I feel so blah. I just need a little boost, but I won't do it.
Neal and I are still together. I see him every day. I'm not totally happy, but somehow I find myself drawn to him. It's always that way, isn''t it? If I think about my past, it was the guys who made me the least happy whom I worked the hardest to keep.
Neal feeds me all this crap about wanting to marry me. He wants to spend every waking moment with me. But, when we're together it's all about him! Last night he asked me to make sandwiches for our fishing trip today, so I went all out and bought fancy bread and deli meats. I got up extra early to cut fruit and make the sandwiches. Then, I spent all day laying out on his boat while he fished. He hardly even talked to me. When he was done, he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to go to McDonalds. I was pissed, but I didn't really say anything. I mean, I acted a bit moody, but I didn't really admit how totally unhappy I was.
Next weekend we're going on a three day "mini-vacation." I'm going to do my best to stand up for myself and do the things I want to do. I mean, he's paying for everything, but that doesn't mean I should deny myself a good vacation, right? I don't know. The truth is that Neal makes me feel like I can't have my own ideas. He hardly listens when I talk about school or work and the only conversations we are able to keep going revolve around our relationship, our sex life, or his interests. Am I not entitled to opinions? What the hell did I get myself into?
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| Neal told me last night to let him know if I was going to sleep with someone else so he could protect himself from any STDs. Little does he know... Anyway, he said he didn't want to date anyone else and he asked me if I was ready for that kind of commitment. So he's my boyfriend now. We'll see what that means. He's going to freak out when I tell him I have herpes. Oh well, If he doesn't like it he can leave.
So I stopped answering Dan's phone calls. It's cold, I know. But in my defense, Dan was definitely jumping to conclusions when he called me babe. | | |
| I had sex with Neal in bridezilla's house yesterday (She was't home.) It was absolutely crazy. We kissed for the first time and then didn't stop. He was totally wild. He picked me up and moved me like a rag doll and he stayed up for like an hour. I actually had to end it because I was getting sore. The thing I didn't like is that he went too deep sometimes. It hurt and he kept doing it even though I said I was in pain.
Now I feel all uncomfortable around him. First, because it was way too soon. Second, because I didn't tell him I have herpes. Third, because I never officially cut ties with Dan. Last, because it happened in bridezilla's house. I don't know how to handle things with him now.
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| OK, so I'm in DC and I went to the bars with some people I just met today. It was fun. The people in DC are not as good of dancers as the people in OC so I fit in quite well. Plus, the guys are better looking and more educated. The girls aren't as flashy. I didn't see any boob jobs, but they are real skinny. I guess I could live here. I like it.
Dan called me babe last time I talked to him. Does that mean we're a couple? It's weird, he took me to a really fine restaurant right before I left OC. He spent like $200.00. It was a beautiful place with a romantic view. Unfortunately he kept kissing me during desert. It was awkwartd. Then, he tried to take my bra off in the car before dropping me off. I told him "not yet." I'm not sure how I feel about him. He looked really handsome in a suit (I have the hardest time getting guys to dress up for me.) He totally spoils me with expensive dinners and fun toys (great head phones for my trip), but I'm a little suspicious about how he manages to pay for it all. Plus, he has a really awkward laugh.
Then there's Neal. He told me not to make plans for friday because we have reservations somewhere. ? Where, I wonder? He doesn't strike me as the type to plan a $200.00 meal. But, if he does, I'm totally falling for him. I don't know.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I get the feeling that both guys see me as their girl friend, but I'm not ready for a comitment to either. I wish I could have them both around to spoil me. Neal's personality is a better match for me, but Dan's education and economic status are a better match for my family. I don't know. I guess the question is, how long before I decide? What's more important, social status, or an emotional connection? I'm not sure,
I'm drunk, a little. so pardon my rambling. But, please give me advice. | | |
| My date with Neal was nice. He looked cute in is jeans and polo, a little young, but nice. He brought me flowers and drove us to a brewery by the beach. He did some things that earned him points with me and some that took points off. Here's a run down of the score:
+1 for bringing flowers
+1 for keeping the date a surprise
+1 for getting quarters before he picked me up (parking meter)
+2 for giving a weird lady extra quarters for her parking meter
+2 for giving the waiter a big tip
+1 for being a good listener
+1 for extending the date
+1 for taking me home before midnight
+1 for not trying to kiss me
+2 for sharing my outlook on religion
+1 for demonstrating ambition
-3 for the comment about SoCal being too Mexican (!)
-1 for asking me what I look for in a guy
-1 for asking me what we should do next
-1 for a limited taste in food
-1 for admitting he thinks girls are cute when they are mad
-1 for occasionally looking too young for me (not his fault)
Overall he got more pluses than minuses. Hopefully he'll call again. Anyway, I've got a date with Dan tonight. Then, I have a week in D.C. with my mom. My plane leaves tomorrow morning.
Here's my favorite pedicure of the summer. I think it's the best color for my tan.
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